The essay below was written at a time in my life quite similar to the one I live in now. I was at the beginning of my college years and really struggling to find who I was unhindered. Considering that this was written ten years ago there are details that are no longer accurate. I have not corrected the details. I left them as written in the original context. I've hesitated sharing it's words with anyone mostly because even though I write quite openly about my own personal desires and struggles this particular desire is much deeper and, to this point, left untouched on purpose. If you are a reader of All My Love for All My Days you will know that transparency isn't a hindrance to my writing with the exception of this topic.
Today, I open my heart to you and allow you to see my feelings on singleness. I hope that these words will find other single hearts and bring you comfort until God brings the spouse designed to help you complete His mission for your life. Further, I pray that you will see that singleness is not aloneness. And not a curse for that matter. We are never alone.
Sincere Desires
I have discovered, in a moment of extreme weakness, that it is my desire to find my husband. First, I would suppose, it is evident that my previous relationships have been none. I am against a relationship for the sake of having a relationship. What is more, I don't believe in the traditional "American" dating style. I believe that two people should date each other because they have prayed, they have become friends, and they have a sincere interest in discovering God's will for marriage together. I believe all this but still I deeply desire a man. Second, I must make my personal appearance known. Although I am attractive from the neck up, and have a somewhat pleasing personality, I am overweight and know it. I have been overweight for the majority of my life and it has become a personal struggle. I have tried many diets but none seem to work. Consequently, I go on a diet only to lose very little weight. I get discouraged and go off the diet. And sadly, college boys are recklessly shallow.
I have lived with these issues my entire life and personally, I'm sick of the charades.
In my own struggle, I have comforted myself with words like, "You are fat because God is trying to protect you. He does have a big plan for your life. You are something special to Him. You are beautiful to Him." And at the time these words are comforting and provide support that seems to come from no where else. Still, I find these thoughts immature almost as if I'm talking myself into believing the truth. Further, I tend to make myself feel guilty for wanting more from life--for wanting to share life with one man and believe that together we can do more than we can apart.
I don't need to tell myself that I am special to God. I already know that. I know that He has a great plan for my life. I know, without a doubt, that He will use me. And I'm am pretty and smart and attractive. Furthermore, my thoughts and desires are not childish, pity, or immature. They are perfectly explainable.
Eve's sin in Garden of Eden led to her desire to cleave to her husband. My desires are no different. Still, do these logical reasons explain my desire? Do they justify my feelings? Do they satisfy the need? Do I act on my feelings, or do I make them lay dormant in my mind? That is truly as far as they have gone. They are no deeper than my mind. Do I let them go deeper? Do I let them become rutted in my heart? Is it wrong to react? Is suppression really the best answer?
I wish I knew the answer to all these questions. I don't know how to react to these feelings. I don't have the solutions, but I have become determined to find a Biblical solution to my doubts, my fears, and my desires.
As was previously mentioned, God's curse on Eve due to her sin was that, "[God would] greatly increase [her] pains in childbearing: with pain [she] will give birth to children. [Her] desire will be for [her] husband, and he will rule over [her] (Genesis 3:16)." To the human ears this curse may seem severe, but we must remember the reason for the curse. God had only given Adam and Eve one command that they were to follow. They were not to eat for the tree of knowledge of good and evil. They had everything they could ever want with only that single command to obey.
Somehow they were tempted and in their weak moment took of the tree and ate. They became like God. They knew the difference between good and evil. They knew, immediately, that they had sinned and that the glory of God had left them. They recognized their nakedness. I'm sure that this realization was nothing compared to their sorrow. Eventually, Father God would come to the Garden for their daily visit and He too would see their nakedness.
The truth is we more than deserve this anxiety of "falling in love." The NIV Study Bible notes, "Her sexual attraction for the man, and his headship over her, will become an intimate aspects of her life in which she experiences trouble and anguish rather than unalloying joy and blessing." Our feelings and desires are natural. We are supposed to feel this way. But for those of us who know that God has a higher calling on their lives this is a complex problem. How can I fulfill God's plan and His will if I am seeking a man? We remember the words of Psalms 90:14, "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." or Song of Solomon 2:7, "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."
Women, I am afraid that our problem will never have a solution until God gives us a personal answer from above. The truth is God has a divine plan for each of our lives. For some of us that will mean that we will get married and serve with our husbands in ministry. Some of us will get married and, although we don't serve together, our ministries will complement each other bringing encouragement to one another. Still others of us God has set apart to be His only. The point is that Christ and His will is at the center of it all. He must be the Lord of our life.
Paul wrote to the church of Galatia, "So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature...those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucifies the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit (Galatians 5:16, 24, 25)." This is a hard fact to accept, but very true, and if it is God's will, we must accept His decision to remain single. He holds all things in His hands and knows what is best for each one of our lives.
Am I allowed to feel this way? Yes. Can I react on my feelings? As the Spirit leads. In the meantime is suppression really the best answer? As I've already stated, I don't have all the answers. Whatever God's decision is for our personal lives, turning down our own desires will not be easy. However, our God's faithfulness will be enough to fulfill our heart's longing.
I'm reminded of another often quoted verse found in Psalms, "Delight ourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart (37:4)." For me, my desire is to be married to a man of God and work, together, to change the world. I wouldn't mind if God allowed us to have the blessing of several little kids in the process either. At the same time, I feel the Holy Spirit speaking softly to my heart, "Be satisfied in me alone." I believe when I have truly become gratified with Him only, He will give me the most wonderful, prefect man that will help me fulfill God's will for my life. Likewise, I will help him fulfill God's will for his life. It will be a partnership for the glory of God.
I know that this sounds like a fairy tale, but it can be real life. Someday, in God's faultless timing, I will find that man. He's not a boy, but a man, who loves God more than anything or anyone. Yes, I'll drive him crazy and he'll drive me crazy. Marriage does that to you I hear, but it will be a partnership orchestrated for God's glory. God's love and provision is so amazing.
Until then, I must, you must, we must remain busy working to restore Christ's dominion. We must continue to share His uncompromising truth and demonstrate His unrelenting love.
I'm looking forward to that day with much anticipation and longing. Although I want it now it may be many years away. As difficult as it is, simply trust His divine timing and plan. He will come through for both of us.
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